Episode 174 | How to change the people you love and why you should | Jaemin Frazer
Don’t try to change the person you love. You’ve heard those words repeated many times over the years. Love them for who they are, you’re told, not who you want them to be. My guest in this episode is here to tell you that idea is damaging myth.
Jamein Frazer is a returning favourite of the show. He has a a brand new book out called Leverage: How to change the people you love for all the right reasons and get the relationships you deserve. This is not brutal, narcissistic, get what you want at all costs argument. This is an approach based on love and respect. He argues that if you don’t try to change the people you love, you might very well condemn yourself to a miserable relationship.
I first spoke to Jaemin in 2021. That conversation was all about his book Unhindered and his determination to help people solve the insecurity problem. If you haven’t listened to that one I strongly recommend that you do that not before you listen to this one. It’s a beauty! I hope you enjoy my conversation with Jamin Fraser. Jamin Fraser, welcome back to the Tim guru podcast.
Being annoyed by the one you love
One in three intimate couples report waking up beside the most annoying person that they know. That is an extraordinary statistic. When Jaemin first heard that he realized that no partnership starts out like that. Quite the opposite. But as time goes on stuff starts to happen. You will annoy each other. You’ll upset each other. You’ll disappoint each other. You’ll do things that clash. And so if you don’t know how to clean the space again, then things deteriorate and get worse. If you do something that annoys me, and I don’t find a way to change that, then we will grow apart. Jaemin thinks you have to try and change that. It’s not only appropriate, it’s essential
Jaemin thinks leverage, at its purest, is about moving heavy things. So, you require the mechanics to have a lever to shift an object. Relationship health is the exception, not the norm. Relationships deteriorate. Just because you fall in love with someone doesn’t mean you’re going to stay in love with them. It’s really important to understand that it does require work to keep healthy. And that work is really hard. And you’ll need all the tools you can get. People are afraid of change. People gravitate towards what’s safe, unknown and uncomfortable.
Five building blocks of the leverage model
Security: Your first job is to do the work around your own value and worth to know that you deserve to be loved. You deserve to be treated well. The other person is very lucky to have you in their world. And they would do well to keep you in their world.
Clarity: You have to be clear about what you desire. What do you want? What’s important to you? and what’s not important? But don’t nag. The moment you nag, a person about the things you don’t like there will be no consequence.
Integrity: Before you go into battle and demand change from your partner make sure you’ve demanded change from yourself. This is not an exercise in selfishness or arrogance. You’re not looking to exert power over the person and dominate them.
Maturity: Maturity is the ability to think win/win. It means you’re not going to compromise, you’ll negotiate. Compromise is often what’s seen as a necessary evil. When it comes to conflict resolution, Jaemin thinks it’s a terrible word. Compromise means you both lose. Let’s find a way that didn’t exist. Let’s change each other’s mind on this. Let’s bring our best skills. That requires some maturity!
Authority: Authority is simply the capstone on this model. It’s often where people rush to. So, they usepositional authority with leverage. “Because I’m your dad and I told you so!” That’s the lowest form of leverage. You can’t use that in this model, though. It’s a combination of security, of clarity of integrity, and maturity. It is earning your right. And it’s you earning your right to not be moved. It’s earning your right to see this thing through to the end because you deserve to be loved.